Confessions of a Social Climber

June is in two weeks, and it only means that, along with sunshiny days — churches, gardens, florists, caterers and wedding planners are also in season.

But what of the wedding singer? (Or DJ, for that matter) They get gigs too, and I’m pretty sure with the large selection of songs that are popular at weddings, (and no, don’t say that “Grow Old” song from that Adam Sandler movie) they never run out of new things to sing, while watching old folks dance.

This could easily turn into WHAT songs you should PUT in your wedding play list, but no, this is about the growing popularity of Jason Mraz’s “I’m Yours” for Hawaii / Tropical weddings, or rockers trying to throw in some Elvis Costello in there.

There’s a list of wedding songs over here. I have to question the selection though — I’ve been to a couple of weddings this year, and, well, some songs I heard? I just ask, “why?” There are FIVE songs that you absolutely MUST NOT have in your wedding’s music play list, whether the choice is funny or not – and here’s why, check it out:

Like A Virgin, Madonna – Okay, so maybe this’ll get a few laughs from your college buddies, and it might actually be fun. Say, you’ve been saving “it” for marriage, this’d be apt. But remember, a wedding with all your family intact may happen only once in your life — and if ever you decide to wed multiple times, playing this during the first dance would make your wedding into some frat-party-humor event.

Cotton Eye Joe, Rednex – Why? “He brought disaster wherever he went / the hearts of the girls was to hell broken sent / they all ran away so nobody would know / and left only men cause of Cotton Eye Joe.” Are you having a cowboy theme wedding? Is your bride wearing cowboy boots under the dress???

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper – “I come home in the morning light, / My mother says “When you gonna live your life right?” / Oh,mother,dear, / We’re not the fortunate ones, / And girls, / They wanna have fu-un.” However danceable Lauper classics are, unless this is a girl-on-girl marriage, throw in a little lovin’ for that male groom.

Stayin’ Alive, The Beegees – Whoah whoah whoah — drop the lights and lower the disco ball! Disco is alive once again! Wait, what? It’s a wedding? Unless you can’t fight the urge to pull off a Travolta (and if you can too, that’s the question!), do not play this song … the wedding video of you reviving disco on the very day that your new life starts will haunt you and your family for years to come.

—And, last, but certainly not least —

The Birdie Song, The Tweets – How bad can a song be? I mean, not only has this monstrosity seeped into our collective consciousness thanks to wedding videos, it still continues to haunt several ceremonies to this day. It doesn’t even have lyrics! Plus, it beat out Kylie Minogue’s “I Should Be So Lucky” for the top spot as the most annoying song of all time. Blech.

(play if you dare)