Confessions of a Social Climber

“You know the best thing about aeroplanes? Apart from the peanuts in the little silver bags, I mean. It’s looking out of the windows at the clouds, and thinking, maybe I could go walking in there. Maybe it’s a special place where everything’s okay. Sometimes I do go walking in the clouds. But it’s just cold and wet and empty, but when you look out of a plane it’s a special world…,” Delirium said, in the Brief Lives volume of The Sandman. And I could relate! What’s so great about flying anyway? I’m into traveling and what-not, but I’m not really the in-between-destinations type. A view’s a view, but clouds are really just soaked-up cotton balls waiting to be rain. Gosh.

I mean, I may be just jaded. Flying used to be a big deal, say … when I was 10? 12? I could just sit there and take it, but yeah, angst isn’t cool after 20. I just get angry. It may seem mean, but to get what you want, you have to just say it. Here’s a list of things I just dislike on flights, from smallest issue to big-deal-you-don’t-like-me-when-I’m-angry-offense.

Expensive airline food. Travel agencies can give you the best bang for your buck in terms of flight — just in case, you know, you don’t want to nourish yourself during the flight and whatnot. (Plus, what about turbulence while eating? Messy-messy.)

Shared lavatories. Blegh. I really don’t get why you wouldn’t leave “business” behind before going on a flight. The lavatories in planes may as well be chemical hazards on their own during flights.

Annoying seatmates / co-passengers. You know the type, the ones who joke about flight/safety precautions, making bomb jokes, reclines the chair in front of you too much, hogs the armrest all the time, and tries to fit in their crap in the overhead compartment. I mean, sure we hear them over and over again on flights, but they’re there for a reason. Like people using cellphones in gasoline stations, sure, an explosion might take place 1% of the time, but so do plane crashes. There’s no need for people joking ‘bout them.

Annoying flight crew. The funny thing is, I know for a fact that applicants have to be tested before airlines hire their staff — so why is it, that, for every four nice attendant I’ve come across with, there’s always a psycho? Maybe a little jaded too, from being hit on, being on a plane for too long? Cabin fever?

Delayed flights. Now this is just the worst. THE WORST. I’ve been on more than three flights where, there wasn’t even the slightest hint of rain, or winds or anything — the flight just got pushed back. Of course this means that in the next two hours, you’ll be making some long-distance phone calls to shift your hotel, car rental, business meetings, tours, and welcoming party schedules. Shucks.

So there you have it — from worse to worst. Any of these (or, heaven forbid, dahlin’, a COMBINATION!) is enough to make you see Delirium … walking in the clouds. (Ask for some sleeping pills if you can!)